isn't anything easy?

so i started clomid. i havent felt really anything except extra cramping. it has been fine. now i am stressed that it will all be a waste of time. i was told by my doctor that D could give his samples without having to go through the blood tests. so i called this morning b/c i found online this shipping thingie that he could do his dirty work, and overnight it to us. he wouldnt have to fly down here which would save him a lot of time and money. i was super excited about it. i called the doctor's office just to make sure before spending the money on it, and what do you know, the lab guy said, well, no he has to come get tested etc. what??????? now i am worried that he wont be able to fly down in time and that i will have all these wonderful eggies ready to go and no spermies to party with. nothing is easy and everything brings stress. have to let it all go. i am having some decafinated green tea. oooooohhhmmmmm ooooohhhhhmmmmm (that is me trying to relax)

oh, and by the way, my friend N who was inseminated at home, no charting and no doctor, is pregnant. i am really happy for her. but the little evil girl who has no compassion and is totally self centered inside has mixed emotions. i feel really evil for saying that. i AM HAPPY FOR HER. i really am. i am just wallowing in self pity for the time being. i really wish her a wonderful and stress free pregnancy!!!! i just wish that the same thing happens for all of us that want it so badly

bye

i am thinking a diry martini...

well, no AF but temp drop and negative test again. i think AF is toying with me. maybe AF is secretly against alcohol and doesnt want me to drink at this wedding.

have a great day and cheers to the next TWW!!!!

rude!!!

so i took a test this morning. who am i kidding, i knew i was going to. i have no willpower a all. instant gratification.
so i took a test that i got from longs. longs brand and it was buy one get one free. it had this weird faint shadow of a line. no pink, just a shadow. of course i got all freaked out and ran to longs to get another kind of test. i got the one that makes it idiot proof "not pregnant" or "pregnant". so i was sitting there waiting and BOOOMMMM "not pregnant" how can a test be so rude!

so i guesss that it is. AF has not come yet but i would think i would have tested positive by day 12.

i called the Doc and he was sad. it was cute. he called in a prescription for Clomid and told me here we go again! i have never taken Clomid. i am a little afraid but i am willing to try anything. anyone have an experience on it? what should i expect?

thanks

bye

Doctor vs. Fertility Friend

so i am on 12 dpo. i had bad cramps yesterday and the day before. periodesque cramps. so periodesque that i have been planning my drinking schedule when we are in new orleans this week. i was expecting to wake up to spotting, if i were following the same pattern as last month. no spotting. not to say it isnt coming, but i ususally wake up with it. however, it is my experience that usual goes out the window when you are ttcing.

my doctor, after the insemination told me i could test today. fertility friend says i should test on friday. who do i listen to? not to say i havent tested since day 9, but can i hold out hope until friday if i dont get my period and i dont get a positive today? who knows. i fear that travel this week will screw it all up and i wont get a period until monday, when i get back, too late to have a drunk ole time in new orleans!!! (this makes it sound like i am a heavy drinker, so funny, i was in college, you know, san francisco age 21 lots of fun, now, i had drinks in las vegas a few months ago and i was up all night throwing up, i am old)

i think i am going to hold out hope until the last possible minute. i have told everyone that i am sure i am not pregnant. i actually beleive that in my brain, but the rest of me sort of likes to not know.

happy turkey or tofurky day to everyone!!!

bye

playing with blogs

i added a blog roll. first time in a long time i have had the time to organize my obsessions with all of your blogs :)

if you are on my blog roll and you don't want to be just let me know, i know most of you have no idea who i am but your blogs mean a lot to me and i learn so much and get hope and tips and giggles from them

bye

sick

i am sick. i hate being sick. A was sick and then of course i got sick. trouble is that until i know for sure if i am pg or not, i dont want to take any cold meds. aaaahhhh. i am home alone and totally bored. i went to the video store (looking like shiate) and rented three videos. two of house (the tv show is sooo good) and one called family business. it is about a porn family. thought it looked interesting. i thought i would enjoy today. sneeze cough, watch house. i am totally and completely bored. maybe i like work more than i thought!!! that makes me happy b/c i was worried i would not want to go back to work after the pooper is born. i know one day at home and being sick is not the same as caring for a pooper. just something i was thinkin about.

oh! we got a new car this weekend. we were going to get the honda fit. cute and economical. i test drove it and i did not like it at all. well that isnt true. it was cute, it was orange. it drove well. however, they had added so many dumb extras that it ended up costing way more than i thought it was goin to be. i had a thought, if this car has nothing as far as extras and it is 22K, why not a car with everything for 29K? so that is what we did. we got a prius!! a red prius with everything, leather seats, navi, bluetooth. it is sssooooo great!!!! too bad i am sick or i would be drivin it around today. A gets it monday and tuesday and i get it wed through friday. the subaru is going to be used when we need a big car. otherwiwse, it is the prius all the time!!! and it fits a baby seat and a stroller.

on the TCC front, i have little cramps. nothing like full blown period cramps but i think they are still cramps and makes me feel less than optimisitc. i took a test today and it was negative. it is only 10DPI so i guess it is sort of too early. my temp is back up after a major dip a few days ago. i guess that is a good sign.

oh well, i am feeling shitty all of a sudden, gotta go sleep.... again

bye

twingies

well it is now 5 dpi. i promised myself no symptoms this time. i will not succumb to the symptom monster. however......... today i have a horrible tummy ache, like little twingies going nutty. it can't be period cramps it is way to early for that. it could be implantation? my temp did dip a little this morning. ok that is it.
no more symptom monster

i can test a week from today my doctor told me. a week, i can wait a week. i am super busy at work so that is good. and this weekend is crazy. i have a committee meeting, we are going to buy a new car, our old car is getting inspected by the car police and i am supposed to see our friend's baby sophia. she is the CUTEST baby i have ever seen in person (there are some very cute babies on some of your blogs :) she is almost a year old and she is just so cute. i can't wait to see her!

well, here is to all of you other tww-ers. i wish you short days and a happy ending!

bye

all about me - in 6 bullet points

I was tagged by J K-C - can't tell you how exciting this is. i am a dork!!!

Six random things about me:

1) I love high heel shoes. i know it is weird and it is horrible for me since i was born with two extra bones, one in each foot. i had surgery on the left one to take it out when i was around 12 or so but it hurt so bad i refused to do the other one. every so often i have to go to my lovely podiatrist to get physical therapy on a hugely swollen ankle/foot. the cause..... hmmmm i think it could be the high heels shoes. a reasonable person would stop wearing them. i guess i am no that reasonable because i just bought a new pair this weekend!

2) I have seen the movie Clue about 2 million times. Clue is my favorite movie of all times. i have watched it maybe once a week since i was a little girl. it was my sick movie. whenever i was sick, i watched it over and over again. when i wasnt sick i watched it over and over again. my brother recently bought it for me on dvd since i was watching a taped copy of it from the 80's on a vhs. i know it by heart but never get sick of it! my dream is to have a party where everyone has to dress up like someone from clue. little dreams - yet still haven't realized it.

3) i love A's family so much, i want to visit them every weekend we have free. this is odd, don't you think? her family lives in the bay area. we live in southern California. we drive up there at least once a month just so i can hang out with her mom. her mom is one of the best people i have ever met. i just love seeing her. i am bummed b/c now that A has a job, we can't go see her as much. i am also bummed b/c we have to go to a wedding over thanksgiving and we can't see her. my silver lining is that both A and I have from December 22 through January 2 off and we are going up north for the whole time! she is going to make a great g-ma and i wish she lived closer.

4) i don't remember most of my child hood. A gets so mad at me b/c she remembers everything. i probably have 10-20 memories, nothing more. i am not sure why. probably blocked it out. i feel like i should make stuff up but then who does that help.

5) A and I met in 1995 and started dating when she was 18 and i was 20. she broke up with me! we stopped talking for five years. the only reason we started talking again is that one of our mutual friends committed suicide. we drove from San Francisco to southern California together and have been together ever since. sort of morbid but at least a good thing came out of a tragedy.

6) i was a horrible student in high school and college. i am now a lawyer so i feel like i reveal this without sounding too lame. i ditched high school at least once a week. i got my mom to sign the bottom of six pages of paper telling her that i needed her signature b/c we were analyzing mother daughter handwriting in one my classes. i used those pieces of paper for notes to the admin office so i could get out of class. after those ran out, i told her that my friend's mom was out of town and she needed to analyze me and my mom's signatures or she would get in trouble. she bought it. how horrible is that! i continued my horrible student travels to college. i drank before class, didnt go to class. i was wretched. i finally got it together in law school. the fear of looking like a fool took over and i actually went to class and studied. fear will do wonders!

i have to thank for tagging me. it makes me feel like part of a wonderful group! unfortunately, i dont know who else to tag. i tag anyone who reads this, and as part of the tag, you have to send me a comment so we get to know each other!

bye

not much going on

this is such a weird time. i feel a lot different than i did last month. last month, i convinced myself that i was having morning sickness on day 3dpi. and i realy thought it was true. this month, i have promised myself (and A) that i would have no symptoms. i am goin to will myself to feel nothing. if i can will myself to feel something, why cant i will myself to feel nothing? ready set go....nothing!!! lets see how long this lasts.

this weekend has been very mellow. my work office moved and i have a really modern feel to my specific office. i have sort of retro furniture and it is all silver. i have these wooden frames that i bought when i first passed the bar. i bought this green geomtric fabric and stapled guned it to the frame. i had three of them (i like things in three). i finally decided, after three years, that it was time to recover the frames. i went to MOOD yeseterday and it was super fun. it is a large store filled with nothing but fabric. i foudn this sort of retro lookin fabric, with oranges and browns and turquoise in it. big sort of flower shapes and squiggles. really hard to describe. i did two of the frame in that fabric and one of the frames in a brown on brown pin stripe that i had left over from makin pillows. i love it! i did something crafty and i actually finished it. i am very proud of myself. :)

if only i could figure out how to take a picture of it and put it on the blog...that is my next endeavor.

bye

number 2

so i had a lot of fears driving over to pick up the little guys/girls from the Reproductive Tech Lab. What if the sperm was worse than the first batch? what if it was empty, i dont know if that is even possible. I got the place, paid my monies and went to the back of the office where the cute girl with the black nail polish was waiting for me. she handed me the piece of paper with the breakdown. what? are you kidding me? 17 million!!!!!! post wash!!!!! literally a 13 million increase from last time. shazaamm!! i was so happy!!!!

i called my mother in law to tell her that her son had great sperm this time. she of course was stressing out that something was wrong with D. she was happy and laughing and said she was going to think about the squirting all day! what a MIL.

so i went to the doctor, went in the room, stripped and sat. the doctor came in right away, such a change from the regular OB. he was so nice and was really happy with the numbers. he was also very happy with my ultra sound result. yipppeee!

flashback - the day before, after my ultra sound, the nurse said that i would have to get a shot after the IUI. um what? ok, i can live with that. i guess. i came to work and immediately went to my boss and said, um shot? what? tell me. she said um i think that is progesterone and i think you have to do it at home for a week or so. um what? no no no no. so of course, typical me fashion, i went home that night and read all i could on the interent. not a great thing when you are trying to calm the F down. i finally just surrendered to the notion that i was going to be a human pin cushion.

flash forward- i got the iui, didn't even hurt this time - i was lying there, talking ot the doc and i didnt bring up the shot and he didnt bring up the shot. i sat there trying to be a big girl, i said , so i dont have to do anything else? i dont have to ummm come back? then i finally said, ok, do i have to get a shot or what. he said no, my cervix looked great and i surged on my own and blah blah blah, i tuned out after no!!!!!

all in all, it was a great experience. the procedure was half the cost than it was at the OB and it was faster and less painful.

now i have the dreaded TWW. i can do it. we can all do it. we are strong!!!!

bye

see my bootie? no shot went in there!

OR NOT HAVING TO GET A SHOT WHEN YOU THINK ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GET A SHOT!!!!

I could have worded that better but who cares, i didn't have to get a shot. i got an ultrasound by nancy, so nice. my folli was 22 mm. she said it looked beautiful. (she loves me :) She said, get ready for your shot, she likes to tease. i waited in the waiting room and another nice lady come out. i was ready, amped, ready to make babies through a shot in the butt, when she said, could you pee in a cup for me dear? of course! anything to hold off the inevitable prick in the rump. after i peeped, i sat back down in the waiting room. she came out, positive, i am positive! no shot no shot no shot.

She wanted me to come back today to get an iui and then another one tomorrow. unfortunatly D only left us one extra deposit so we can only do it tomorrow. i am just so happy that we have that one left. D is apparently so busy right now he can't even breathe without it being at work.

So tomorrow is the day. the nurse said that i might need a shot tomorrow , something about the uterine lining. i am fine with that, for some reason, that makes sense. getting a shot to speed up ovulation that i know will happen anyway, doesnt make sense but i am willing to do what i need for a little pooper.

OH BY THE WAY! i had another lovely person comment on my blog! you have no idea how exciting that is to me. i have to apologize because the only way i know how to respond is to go to that person's blog and comment. i am very technilogically challenged. if you read this again, leave your blog name if you have one. i would love to read it!

here is to hoping that all of you who have squirted this week get happy news in a few weeks!

bye

i thought we were just going to talk....

First of all, I blog at work. I work pretty hard (most of the time) and use blogging as a break from the world of divorce. Our office just moved and we have not had Internet for over a week!!! Can you believe it? i was going crazy. i had to work more! sucks :) now we have Internet and i can go back to stalking the blogs i read and to writing a blog that hardly anyone reads. its good to be home.

so, yesterday was the big day that i went to the new doctor. he is an RE. and he is a a he. i have never had a male doctor in my life (except dentists). it was a little weird but he came highly recommended. he was very very nice and answered all of the questions i came armed with, nicely typed up and categorized (i am a total "J"). He decided that he wanted to see my insides at that moment. ummm what? i wasnt prepared. i thought it was just going to be a hi how are you, lets work together kinda appointment. nope. i had my very first ultra sound. i have to say it was so cool. the lady, nancy i think her name was, was actually funny and warm and she thought i was in my early twenties, gotta love her.
She showed me my uterus and my what did she call it pocket or something cavity i think. She said they looked great! then she showed me the follicle, i had never seen one before. she said it was at 17 mm and that it looked great! i was worried because of the pcos but when the doctor looked at it he said it looked great and didnt look like a pcos folli. groovy!

he said that even though the spermies are not great, might as well use them one more time and then if didnt work, we would go from there.

i am set for an ultrasound tomorrow morning and if i havent matured then i get a shot. aacckkkkk. i havent shared this i dont think, i freakin HATE shots. not like normal people hate shots, i am petrified of them. i think of the needle being inside my skin and just staying there and i want to pass out. oh my god. i have to get a shot. ok. i can handle it. i told A about the shot and she knows my fear. she said, well its for a baby. how can you argue with that? and i am irritated at her that she would reduce it to that. i mean how can you argue with the baby argument. i have a feeling she is going to use that for everything.....you need to do laundry ... for the baby.... you need to clean my car....for the baby.... you need to kiss my ass....for the baby...... fun fun fun.

so if i get no positive ovulation test, its shotsville. i can handle it...its for a baby ....

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

oh! good luck to my former insemination twin! today is her day!!!! i am thinking good thoughts for you!

bye