i am thinking january

hello -

this has been such a crazy year. we have had at least 5 graduations including A's which is coming up, gaziliion birthdays, two upcoming weddings and lots of mayhem. all on one income. we are tapped. we are broke. done. stick a fork in us. i always said that well, we can charge this b/c A will be getting a job soon and we can pay it off. well, it is july and she is still waiting to hear. she is sure she got it (knock on wood) but she has to wait for them to get some contract signed. i know once she gets it, we will be fine. it is just now, when we have to plan for A's graduation, our trip after her graduation, her graduation party as well as my brother's wedding that we have to travel to nashville for and dont forget about the mortgage, bills, credit cards. aaacccckkkkk

this too shall pass. i had a panic attack last night. thank goodnesss for ativan. so i think i am feeling better today. no matter what, we will be fine. it just means we are putting off the pooper stuff a little longer. i am hoping to be debt free by the end of this year. so we can rack it all up again paying for baby. it makes me sad to think we have to wait, but the stress is not good for the whole process anyway. I am going to take this time to get healthy, start acupuncture and overall become a more calm person. i am a little well, high strung? anxious? um excentric in my eccentricities?

so we move on. i am going to blog like a mother-bloger. :)

congratulations to those at our true adventures and vee and jay! i can't reemmber how to put in a link, so this is the non-high tech blog version of a yayayayay!

bye

i forgot!

the puppie, the cutest dog ever, emmet, is ours! my mother in law couldnt handle the puppiness of him. so he is ours!
he is so wonderful. so much joy comes to us from him. anyway, here is a picture

what a wonderful break

hi. i have been "off" from this job we call "pregnancy". i had to take some time off mentally and physically as well as financially. but this morning i took my temp for the first time in like 3 months! it was weird. i woke up in the middle of the night worrying that i would forget. but i didnt. it was like i never stopped.
our goal is to start again after this cycle. i had my period for 90 days straight! it was a little unnerving to say the least. i went to my gyno and she said it was my body flushing everything out. that is a lot of flushing in my opinion. but if finally stopped. and i just ended my last period in 5 days. phew!

so we are back on the roller coaster of inseminations.

i have to say congratulations to so many! so many births, so many pregnancies! i am very happy for every one of you.

hopefully, it will be time for some to be happy for me soon :)

i am back, hear me roar!

bye

catch up time i guess

hi there. i have been absent. absent from writing on my blog, absent from reading blogs. i just needed a break from thinking about baby stuff. i have been told by my doctors to hold off for a few months. to see how the new medication alters me, if it does. so far, nothing bad. i am a little less hungry, which is always good.

a quit her job, she had it for six months. she is in the middle of her thesis so it was not working out to work 50+ hours a week, go to school, and still have time to do her thesis. so she quit. that is another reason we are holding off, we are going to be a little broke the next few months. what can you do.

D is going to come down for a week and fix our bathroom. So nice of him. we are ripping out the tile and demolishing the sink and vanity and taking the mirror down. painting, and i think that is all. with him doing it, it is free labor! that makes me happy. while he is here, he is going to "drop some swimmers off at the pool" i know that is for poop, but it makes more sense for spermies.

i have been super busy at work, which is good. i have also been spending a lot of my time at my mother in laws to see emmet, the puppy. he is like my baby :) i can focus all my mothering skills/or lack thereof on emmet. he loves me :) unconditionally, so long as a i hold him and pet him and let him lick my face. it is nice. see pictures above. he is so cute!

i wonder if there is anything else....i dont think so... my friend who got pregnant on the first insemination she did at home is having her baby shower soon. joy.

bye

Bad blogger bad blogger!

i have been a bad blogger. slap my wrist! i have had a crazy month. shocking, but BFN. cried for a few days because i knew i had to make some big decisions. as i said in my last post so long ago, i had an eeg and they found nothing. according to my little british neurologist, i had to make a decision, baby or possible future seizures and no driving ever. what a fu**ed up choice that is! i knew there had to be another option. my friend and co-worker said he friend was epileptic (i guess that is what i am, so weird) and had a baby is now pregnant with her second baby. she emailed me her story. she was taken off meds for a while b/c she wanted4d to get pregnant. it was very bad, she had seizures and other stuff happened, not a good thing. her doctor said you can go on meds, a low dose, and you can get pregnant. she did and had a healthy baby. ummm what? could my neurologist have mentioned that? so i immediately went to our old friend, or enemy, google and looked it up. some meds are 90% safe for epilepsy control and baby makin. 90% seems better than sharp stick in the eye...keep reading amiechamie, find something better than 90%....so apparently there is this drug, lamictical (i could be wrong on the spelling) that is often prescribed for pregnant epileptics. you can supplement it with folic acid and vitamin K and it is a little more than 90% that your pregnancy will be perfect. in fact, i read that there are no cases of non-perfect pregnancies on lamictical. yipppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

so needless to say, i started the drugs last week. they make you so freakin tired it is unbelievable. but i started driving again!!!!! i had not driven since February 6. i didnt realize how much i missed it.

so, we are moving forward. i skipped this last month, just ovulated actually i think yesterday. we will be going forward with next month!!! i need to get D on board and call my RE and tell him what is up. I havent called him since i told him about the seizure. it was just too much to deal with all at once. if next month works, will i have a december baby? yikes! another december event. this will be one that i can handle :)

OH so i was tagged! yay. IT is the book one.

Here are the rules:

1. Grab the nearest book of 123 pages or more.
2. Open it to page 123.
3. Find the first 5 sentences and write them down.
4. Then invite 5 friends to do the same.


I am at work, so this is going to be really boring. The nearest book, on my bookshelf at work is Alan Dershowitz letters to a young lawyer. this was one of the many new lawyer books i got when i passed the bar. boring as hell but they look good on my bookcase:

...Thomas had made up his mind about the fate of Roe before he arrived on the Court; without even discussing the issue with his law clerks, he decided that the case should be overturned. "there was no point in talking about Casey, " the source said. "there was no doubt whatsoever on which he was coming out. THere was no discussion at all." Thomas joined Justice Scalia's dissenting opinion, which urged that Roe should overturned"

SO that was a little more than 5 lines, but the writing is indented and i wanted to finish the thought.

since i am so belated in this post, i think everyone and their mother has been tagged. if not, you are it!

oh, and another thing, A and i have been puppy sitting these past 3 weeks. emmet, so cute! he has been coming to work with me and everyone in the office loves him. he seems to have forgotten the puppy pad idea though, he has been poopin everywhere he can! good thing he is so cute. i have to take him back tomorrow :( i am very sad and i know i will cry. we need to move somewhere that we can have a dog. our condo has a strict rule, no pets at all. assholes.

anyway, i am back, all drugged up and ready to get preggers!!

good luck to all those in the TWW. i have good feelings!!!

bye

huh?

so today is, I think, 14dpo. I am not really sure b/c i got that HCG shot and my symptoms were all wacky. I had cramps around day 7, temp drop, then no cramps and temp increase. i had cramps yesterday and a really bad backache. no spotting, no nothing. then today, no cramps. wtf!

can the hcg shot F*** up a normal cycle?

then i went to the neurologist. had an eeg. they found nothing, they have never found anything. he told me, basically, if i ever want to drive again i need to be on medication and if i want to have a baby, i cant be on medication. nice options.
i am going to try and find another neurologist that maybe specializes in pregnant epileptics who rarely have seizures.

bye

sucks ass!

so the insemination went well. the shot didnt hurt! yipeee. problem occured though. around 4 am i had a seizure. i have had three in the past - starting when i was studying for the bar exam. i havent had one since 2006, not on any meds anymore since we started TTC'ing. now this happens. just packs a whallop. the neurologist said that if i am not pregnant right now, i should stop for a while to figure out what is going on. i dont like that answer at all. there has to be a way. its not like i have them all the time, 4 in 32 years.

im just bummed. if it isnt one thing it is another. i have to think that this time worked because if not, it might never :(

surpise! iui time!

so i had quite a morning! got up, voted, went to pick up D from the airport. it is super day for him too! time to give more little guys. i had also scheduled an ultrasound as it was day 13 and i hadn't had one yet, i am trying to save money and not get one every few days. i go in and Helen says, um i think you are ready. i had one on one side that was 21 and one on the other that was 17. so much for upping the clomid! i see the nurse and she says, go across the street and get an hcg shot from the pharmacy and we will get started. ummm what a shot? nooooooo
the great thing about this was that we got to use live spermies. the doctor was very excited about this which made me happy. the bad news is that D missed his flight going home. i felt so guilty and nervous that i was not in the best state of mind during the procedure. D didn't care, which is nice. i hope he got on a flight by now!

so here we are again. back in the TWW. i think i read somewhere that if you get the hcg shot then you can test positive even if you are not pregnant. anyone know about that?

bye

head feels like it is under water (and aother pic of emmet)

i am sick. i have been sick since friday. fever, aches chills, cough, sinus infection, the works. i hadnt been outside once since friday at 5 until last night when A took me to the urgent care. i got anti-biotics. i hope this works. i had to come to work today. i have two appointments. the last one is at 1:30. then i am going home. i have court tomorrow which sucks even when you feel good. ahhhh nuts!

on to other things, i took my last 2 clomid pills. does anyone know if anti-biotics interferres with clomid? the urgent care doctor didnt seem to think so but i trust all of you more.


good news is i am going to see emmet this weekend!!!!

my friend got a little boston terrier. her name is joan. she is super cute and i am going to puppy sit her tonight! hopefully she will understand that i am sick and will take care of me

bye

cranky pill cometh

i took my first dose of the 100 mg of clomid. i can feel the crankiness emerging. poor A.

here we go again.

first here is another pic of emmet. so cute!!! sleeping in his little sweater! i am going to see him next weekend. its sick, i bought a plane ticket to go see a dog.

and as the title suggests, we are in a new cycle. on to try #4. can't say i am happy about it. but what can i do.

on another topic, it is pretty sad about heath ledger. i wasnt a huge fan of his but i always thought he seemed nice. i just think about his little girl and get sad. every story out there says how much he loved her. it is just sad.

bye

the wii has saved me

the best thing i ever bought was a wii. oh my goodness it is so fun. All i did this three day weekend is watch bones and muder she wrote and play wii. i played wii when i thought my body was in atrophy. it is so fun!!!!! i can play sports! i never knew i could. yippeee!

so today is 13 dpo. FF said i should get AF today, however i always, always spot the day before and that hasnt happened yet. I assume that my luteal phase decided to extend. i think that is a good thing. i just want AF to start so we can start on to the next month!

i came up with a budget. i think i was so unglued this month because the thought of having to pay for another month of this really freaked me out. i sat down and made an excell spreadsheet of A and A's budget. I feel a lot better. We will not be paying any debt down, but we will not be going into more debt. Which is all i can ask for really. This is all if we stick to the budget. i think we can. i hope we can. good thing i already bought the wii.....

so i have to go to court tomorrow, and guess what, yet again, britany is scheduled to be there again! twice in one month i get stuck in court on the same day she is there. arrrggghhhhh. she makes it a zoo. oh well, at least i dont represent her....

bye

bones is the only thing that helps

did i get you with that title? does it sound morbid, or sexy? truth is i have rented all of season one and now i am on season two of bones. i am watching murder she wrote and bones. i like to get lost in killers. what does that say about me? i like that the killers get caught at the end of the 48 minute episode. gives me some finality.

no AF. 11dpo. still have cramps. have bad heartburn. why do i have cramps? i must be getting AF. there is no way that i could have these cramps and not get AF.

I was so convinced that this cycle would work. good spermies, good eggs - 2 of them and it was january! the month we were supposed to start this TTCing nonesense.

i hope we dont have to skip the next month. i have to talk to D about it. but i dont want to do it until i get my period. i dont want to buy a plane ticket if there is still a .00001% chance that it worked.

oh well, i guess this is what i signed up for. lucky me.

lucky all of us!

bye

clarification

i think they are cramps. they are more what is the word, contained? that is not the right word. they seem to happen in one place on one side at a time. normally, i have severe cramps all throughout my lower region. today is day 8dpo and my temp continues to go up. and i am starving all the time. no nausea though. boobies are still sore to the touch.

i guess i will just test on sunday and hope for the best. unless i get AF sooner than i anticipated and then i will just lay in bed for about 24 hours and wallow. joy!


bye

i have cramps

i dont have a fancy witty title. i just have cramps. i dont get it.

it is 7dpo. and i have cramps, they feel like period cramps. does anyone really believe in implantation cramps? i am trying to convince myself that that is what it is but they feel like dumb ole period cramps. could it be that not only am i not pregnant, but my period is coming early!!!

my temp is up. my backaches are pretty severe and my boobs are a little sore. tehy were really sore yesterday, today they are sore when you poke them and then for about a minute after.

i just want a little baby. i know you all underestand. sucks ass

bye

3.5 done

so i had my second squirt this morning. i feel so full of spermies it is weird. logically, and i know this isnt logical, but i cant think of a reason it shouldnt work. the ultrasound and opk test said it was perfect timing. the squirter said my cervix looked ready, the swimmers were EXCELLENT this time and i have two eggs that the doctor said would both release. we all know that even when the eggs are put in you already fertilized it just sometiems doesnt work. it is just so hard to process when someone is a control freak (and i am not admitting that, but who am i kidding). it is so hard to know that i have no way of changing the outcome other than what i have already done. my boss is like me. she went through i think 7 miscarriages, she is one child but was trying for a second. she did iui, she did ivf and it just never happened for her. she is a go getter, i mean she has her own firm and had her own succesful firm since she was 38. she said that this is the one thing she could not make work for herself and it was really hard to let go. she has stopped trying but i think she is still affected by it. it really sucks!

anyway, enough of that. we are thinking positive. go swimmers go!!!!! i would love a libra baby

bye

lots of stuff smooshed into one post

I don't know Cali. I know her through her words, her blog. It is amazing how much you can feel for someone who you have never talked to. I think this plaid is very optimisitic and is meant to be a big hug.

I surged on my own today. I had to go to Court this morning and it lasted much longer than i thought it would. i was getting nervous about missing my iui appointment. i finally got out of there around noon, went to work and grabbed the gold ole opk digital test. i knew that if it was not a happy face, i would have a sad face. i would have had to get the shot. i know the shot is nothing, but to me, you might as well be saying that i have to stick a 10 inch diamter cathedar in my woohooo. wow, that was graphic. and um, isn't it 10 that you have to dialate to? eeekkk.

anyway, no shot. i went to the doc and got the spermies ready to be dropped off at the pool! (i know usually this is a euphamism for something else, but as i have said, i think it makes more sense in this context). D started out journey, at our first insem with 1.4 million little gals/guys. His second was more, this time, 25 million!!!! he rocked it out. 60% motility too. nice!

so it is done. i am crampy but very happy. i go back tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m. Exciting! then the horrible TWW begins. at least i have the election primaries to keep me busy.

go hillary!!!!

bye

new new new

new year
new spermies (same guy , just new deposit)
new eggies (i have two follies that are ready, at least i think, one is 24 one is 17)
and new puppie!!!! not mine, we got my MIL an 8 week old puppie. so fucking cute. i only know how to put a pic at the beginning of the post so there he is! his name is emmet, after emmet otter's jug band Christmas. who has ever heard of that? not me until i got with A. apparently her family watched it millions of times as a kid at christmas. weirdos.
he is the cutest puppie i have ever seen. A and I spent the entire week and a half we were up north with the puppie. we took it to old navy, and to target and to macy's. it fits in your sweatshirt so its little head is the only thing poking out. i can't tell you how much i am love with this puppie. A and I are having withdraw. In fact, we are going back up this weekend to see the puppie. we are sick. imagine if we had a baby, could we even go back to work?

On the TTC front-
I have gone to the doctor every other day for the past 6 days. My follies seem ready to burst. I have one at 24 and one at 17. i havent had a positive ovulation test. the doctor came up with a plan. i dont get it, but i have to trust him. we are going to do an insemination tomorrow. if i dont get a positive ovulation test by tomorrow, i will get the shot. first one, scared but ready. then we will inseminate the next day.
Does anyone have any thougths? If i dont get a positive ovulation test today or tomorrow, is tomorrow a wasted insemination?

happy new year everyone.

bye